In search of beauty…

For many years I have been looking for beauty (peace, goodness, love, generosity, honesty, loyalty) everywhere. I moved from places to places, hoping that the next one would be the right place. After decades of searching, I finally understood what God has been whispering in my heart. There is no beauty except in and through Him.

Searching for beauty has led me in the wrong places, with the wrong people. There were hurts and dramas, but always life and hope because of Christ. Is there beauty in the world? Of course, yes. But in the right places, those places where God has sown it in His creation, in His creatures. Outside God, there is no beauty, but through Him there is abundance of beauty for everyone who looks at Him and hopes in Christ. Trough His eyes, we won’t even notice what only appears beautiful, but we will admire and commend what is truly beautiful even if it appears ugly.

And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (Matthew 6:28-29)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

 

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Why am I single?

Today I am tired and I am not sure I want to write. I am not sure I want to write but there are thoughts I desire to share.
I planned to write about the Israelites wailing in the desert because they didn’t have meat to eat and wishing to be in Egypt. However, this morning a sister in Christ asked me why she is still single. My answer was something like “because God gives us what we need and if we don’t need it He won’t meet it.”
Then, I got an email from a friend of mine. She was sharing about her sentimental life. She wrote about the “why” of her singleness. So I thought of of the “why” of my singleness. God may have others reasons… but for me I am still single because I don’t want to let it go.
I am afraid. I am afraid of being taken advantage of, afraid of not being loved unconditionally, afraid of… so many things. I am not surrendered. I don’t trust God to care enough to protect me, to guide me. I am the one in charge. Yet, My favourite love story in the Bible is the story of Isaac and Rebekah.

The Bible stated: ” Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her.Genesis 24 : 67
God chose her. God decided and Isaac loved her. Their marriage was not perfect but it was not that bad. 

I dream of God choosing for me. I dream of loving His choice. However I am afraid and I am not letting go. I don’t give God a chance. I don’t give brothers a chance. I want Batman but with Superman’s qualities and the faith of Paul. Of course, he must be a perfect stranger. I love them far and unapproachable. 

So now I need to learn to be surrendered in this area. It won’t be easy but “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.Philippians 4:13

Single and desperate

Have you ever felt hopeless? Have you ever felt that you have to find a solution right now? Have you ever thought that if you don’t do something, if you don’t take a step, your life will be over ? Lot’s daughters did. They were desperate. They wanted to preserve their family line and there was no man around to lie with them. They needed to act, to find a solution. They decided to sleep with their father. He was the only man around. They acted and they got the children they wanted. Genesis 19: 30-38
Why were they so desperate? Why am I sometimes so desperate? Is it  really because there is no solution to my problem? Or is it because I want my solution, a solution I find normal?  Lot’s daughter wanted so much to be like everyone else that they didn’t look far. Genesis 19: 31 They could have asked their father to find partners for them. Abraham family wasn’t too far away. Only, they didn’t. What if he had said no? What if the men from Abraham’s family didn’t want to be with them? What if…? They took no chances.  They so wanted to be normal. They were willing to pay the price to get it their way.
I feel desperate when I want my life to be “ as is the custom all over the earth.” I want to have a normal life: a husband, children, the job…. the right one. I spent my week envying one of my co-worker. She has everything I wish I had: the career I thought I should have, children, husband, shape, blue eyes, fair-hair…
I was looking for solutions to be more like her. However, the more I was looking the more things were getting complicated. I was confused and desperate until God told me gently : ” A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.Proverbs 14:30
He explained me that my peace was gone because I stopped looking at the Prince of peace. My problem was not my issues, though they are real. My problem was that I wanted peace “as the world gives.John 14:27  I wanted my life to be ” as is the custom all over the earth.” I blamed my godly choices. I thought I became christian too young. Fortunately, God reminded me that His way is always the best. So even if my life looks strange, even if I am different, may His will be done. Always.